heavy workout & diet.

i need it bad. i can't suck in anymore. the vacation was amazing. cayman islands and cozumel, mexico. but it made me gain 10 extra pounds because of the all you can eat anything at any time of the damn day. ugh! fml! but on the reals, i started my heavy workout today and i should start dieting too. here's a little run down of what i PLAN on doing. i hope i pull through with this. it's the middle of the summer and i'm still complaining. blah!

mon/wed/fri:
speed walk 10 mins.
run 10 mins.
speed walk 5 mins.
run 5 mins.
arms 10 mins.
abs 10 mins.
tues/thurs:
speed walk 10 mins.
run 10 mins.
speed walk 5 mins.
run 5 mins.
squats 10 mins.
gluts 10 mins.
sat/sun:
RELAX. it's not that heavy. lol

bye to coffee (tryna keep my teeth white!), fast food, restaurants (limit them to 2 or 3 times a month), soda (not that i really drink it anyway), junk food (oreos, chips, brownies.. omg! maybe i'll just limit myself!).. etc whatever is bad for me. which is everything i love to eat. rawr! let's do this! giddim giiirl!

happy first of july..

so it's been a minute since i've been here. summer has been spontaneous every day. now that i don't work, i wing it everyday. right now i am ill to the bone though. i jumped in brick ocean yesterday. of course, i knew i was catchin a cold and i still did it. oh well. life has been pretty good. i still have to figure out school shit, but knowing me i'll wait til last minute. i still don't know what to do. my dad's still tryin to get me to do nursing. my mom doesn't want me to do beauty school. whatever. hopefully i can make a compromise. i'll be on vacation in less than two weeks and i can't wait. i just need to be out of here. i've been dating around here and there. nothing serious. just havin some fun, what a girl my age should be doing. if someone comes along that catches my heart, then i'll decide from there, but for now i'm just straight up chillin. kickin back and relaxing. livin life. but i should go and get some rest now. i need to lower this damn fever of mine.

my life is wreckless..

i don't know how to bring it up.. i don't want to do nursing. i know when i dropped it this semester, i have one more chance to take it. but i truly believe that my heart isn't in it anymore. it's not what i picture myself as. at the time when i dropped it in march, my dad had asked me if i still wanted to do it. i said yes, partly because i did and partly because i didn't want to disappoint him. then there was another part of me that was just pushing myself to keep going because i had already made it halfway. i don't know which direction to take.

i was talking to a friend last week and we both dropped fundamentals this semester together. we both aren't driven to go all the way through with it. we both had other options in mind. we talked about cosmetology, fashion.. etc. it's something i'm more interested in. i've always been interested in hair. i want to know more about how to do it. i want to one day just open up my own salon. that's my dream..

i just don't know how my parents are gonna take it. i don't know how to tell them. i don't know when to tell them. i know i should tell them soon. why do i feel like this is the hardest decision i've ever made?!

happy mother's day!

happy mother's day to all the woman who brought up crazy kids like me. lol. shoutout to my mama and lola. i love you <3

so yesterday was joe & steffi's wedding. it made me cry. they're the first of the bunch to get married. the father/daughter dance really got to me, esp cuz it was to "butterfly kisses." the infamous father/daughter song. i can only imagine how me and my dad will be on my big day. if ever. sometimes i don't believe that it will ever happen for me. how does someone really want to stay with me for the rest of his lifetime? that's crazy. i'm difficult to be with. i'm complicated. but i wish atleast someone would put up with my shit. i've been good with keepin my promise for this year. i was reckless last semester and thank god i'm over that. but i'm so over looking for mr. right and being with mr. BEYOND wrong for the millionth time.

these past few months with him have been difficult. we both basically decided to hide our status from everyone because we thought it would've been better for us, so no one would judge us. not that they had a reason to, but it's what we decided. i fell for him hard and fast. i rushed in it too fast. i guess cuz i took my last relationship real nice and slow and that obviously didn't work, maybe speeding up the process would? i don't know. i am so stupid. he, just like every other guy, played me out. fucked me over. the only reason why he wanted to keep it on the low was cuz i was "the other girl." i played that part once again. WHAT THE FUCK?! you are an asshole, son. fuck you. i am seriously done with looking and playing man hunt. but it's not fair. and i know life isn't fair, but why am i always the one just looking through the window at everyone else so happy with someone else? i see all my family and friends with someone they've been with for years, and my relationships never exceed past a few months. it's bullshit, but whatever. i'm just jealous.

summer's almost here. 2 more finals to go and i'm done. i'm done with everything..

worst week ever..

monday night, my tita died very suddenly. it was out of nowhere. we just saw her a few weeks ago at a family party and now she's really gone. she had a stroke and was in a coma for a week. she didn't make it. i feel really bad for her family. it's too sad. the last memory i have with her was at the party and we were talking about sanitary napkins. it's rediculous how you see someone one day and then you never get to see them again. tonight is her wake. i don't know how i'm going to take it.. RIP tita. you and your family is in my prayers..

i am all cried out this week. i don't know what to do with myself anymore.. this is just so overwhelming and stressful. should i keep going with this or just forget it and do something new? i was at a breaking point. no matter how much i study, i fail. what's the point? i have test anxiety. i get sick when i'm stressed out and preparing for a test. i really don't know what to do anymore. and if i switch majors, what am i supposed to switch to? and i thought i had my life all figured out..

just live your life..

and that's exactly what i'm doing. i am honestly just loving every moment right now. i told you 2009 is gonna be good to me. i'm gonna start a few new resolutions (i know, we're in march already) and STILL keep the old. i'm still gonna wait for a boyfriend (an official one!) to be intimate with someone again. what i did a couple of months ago just got me in trouble and left me with nothing. i was losing my self respect, but i gained it back in january. i'm doing good and i'm really proud of myself, honestly. a new change that i'm gonna take is to go on a diet and this is for serious now. i've said this so many damn times before, but i look at myself in the mirror and i resemble a lechon. it's kind of disgusting. i'm also gonna start exercising although it's kind of hard for the next two weeks because of midterms and everything, but i'm gonna find the time. i'm doing this for me. i need a boost in my self esteem. i also need a better studying habit. i'm really not good at that thing. that's why i pretty much fail when it comes to tests and quizzes. i stay up in the late hours to study, but nothing sticks. i need some help, but i'll figure something out. i may be MIA until next wed, the 25th, because that's when my nursing clinical midterm is. i have so much to do in so little time. i haven't been doing much work over break. ugh! but can you blame me? when i'm on break, i like to relax. (side note: btw, vegas was amazing despite the fact that i'm not 21. i had the time of my life! i will def go there again and there's a possibility of moving out there after i graduate!) i had no work or no classes. i just wanna spend time on my own and with the ones i love since i don't see them too often because of my busy schedule. but that's what i'm gonna do. i need to break these bad habits.

spring break..

yes, for once, i'm actually going away for break. i fckn deserve a vacation. i am too stressed and i just need a getaway. and why not getaway with my double chin twin and other half. lol this vacation was so spontaneous. we planned it and booked the flight in one night. i can't wait. it's comin up in 6 days. and yes, i am aware that i am not 21 and i am going to vegas. i don't really care cuz i just need some damn sun. hopefully the weathers okay over there. i get to watch cirque de soleil for free. expedia dot com is the shit! $450 for round trip plus 3 nights at a luxurious hotel. shit be poppin, son! but before all of that, every day this week i have a quiz or a test .. nothing fun to do this weekend except study and do some damn nclex review questions and calculating drug dosages. oh what fun! blahh but this bitch be out in less than a week. woohoo!

happy valentines day, all!

so it's that day to be in a depressed state, according to me... SIKE! who the fck do you think i am? lol but in all honesty, i thought it would've been maybe about a month or so ago. valentines does fall on a saturday this year. no work. no school. no keeping busy. nothing to do to keep my mind off of things. but this year, surprisingly, i DO have a date. with a man this time. a human being. someone who isn't JP nor is related to me. lol i know i am rediculous, but this is very exciting for me. this is a first. but, i guess we'll see how this goes. can't keep my hopes high like those times before. it's time to just kick back and relax and take it one step at a time..

other than that, school has been AIIIGHT. i've been stoagin a lot. lol i need to stop, foreal. but the past week i've missed each of my classes once because i've been on my death bed. i hate being sick. it ruins everything and i always feel like shit and never wanna do anything. i think it's a result of partying. that, indeed i will stop completely. i think haha. but i think i've been doing good in school. i hope. i don't know. we'll see.

but i hope everyone has fun today, single or taken. enjoy it! it's all about love, baby!

letting go is hard to do..

it's been lovely, winter break of '09. but tomorrow, i have to get back on the grind. the gay grind. i really don't wanna go back to school. '09 was really good to me so far. coming home at 3 or 4 in the morning. city stops and club hoppin. hangin with the most random people. rekindling old friendships. driving an hour away to "party" or just chill. this is what i need. i wish my whole life was winter break. lol i know, i be buggin yo. i can't help it. i had the time of my life this past month. now i gotta get back to reality. wake up at 7am instead of 2pm. class then straight to work. 8am - 6pm. 5 days a fckn week. so i'm never really free until after 6pm. which technically is my gym or study time. so therefore, i never have free time. i know, this is rediculous. i really will have no time for nobody and it sucks. i don't know what i'm going to do. i guess occasionally i can do a dinner date.. but i DOUBT that. hopefully this first week is stress free. i need to ease my way in this new schedule slowly. i didn't even buy books for classes. nor do i have notebooks. wow, i am a bum. i should even start packin right? lol i have to get up at 7am tomorrow. i'm still at home in bridgewater. i'm driving straight to class in the morning. i thought maybe the longer i stay home, the further away the thought of school is. which is kinda true. but now my ass gotta wake up half an hour earlier. gahh! someone save me.

so it's 3am..

and why am i up? you see, i never thought i would get to this point. most nights, i'm all good. single life is real good. but i know it's not always that way. it sucks when all your friends are in a relationship and enjoying it. when it comes to me, i'm always the one that's always single. you know in a group of friends, there's always that designated single one. i'm that girl. and i am very fine being her. but being single gets tiring sometimes. SOMETIMES.. i'm not sayin it's always like that. the worst part is at night though. when you can't call a girlfriend because she's on the phone with her guy. when your laying in bed trying to fall asleep, but can't. who can you call? who's there to say good night to you? i guess i kinda want a part time boyfriend. or a designated phone buddy. i know it sounds type whack, but i'm sure single people understand. i just want someone to talk to. someone who i'm compatible with. someone kinda like me in a guy version. lol blahh i'm just rambling. goodnight.

It's time for a change..

and for those who know me, you all know i have this thing with my hair where i constantly need to change it. whether it's the style or the color, within 2 - 4 months, it's something new. i change my hair like i change my clothes. my mom says i'm gonna end up bald in a couple of years. i guess i feel that with my hair, i feel that i can control it. life on the other hand, is something that just happens and you can't steer the wheel in just any direction. i mean, i guess your decisions in life do have some type of control to where your life is headed, but other than that, you are nothing but a little kid in a candy store. you just have no idea what to do with yourself cuz you're given so many options, but don't know which to choose.. i have no idea where i'm headed with this entry, but it's 3 in the morning and i feel like writing.

so far in the new year, i've been pretty damn good. especially with keepin my resolutions. i've been exercising and running every (week)day. i eat less. i haven't been in any type of relation. and i've been havin the time of my life going out and having fun with the ones i love. my whole smokin issue is gettin better though. i'm tryin to cut down now, although i don't do much. it's more like a social and stress thing. still, i know, it's not a good reason. but it'll eventually die out. i go through these weird smoking phases. ever since i was in highschool. but whatevahh.

there's a little less than 2 weeks until i'm back at school.. stressin out about fuckin nursing. hate that shit, yo. but i gotta do what i gotta do. this spring semester, i go to school and work every single fucking day. i will not have a life. so i def need to get ready for that. i might cry the first few days but i'll live. you all know how it is.