maybe i'm headed in the wrong direction..

scratch that, i AM headed in the wrong direction. i guess this whole f-beezy business started off as just simple [pause] frustration towards relationships/love/hate/whatever! it's been 6 months since i walked down this wrong path and i've had numerous encounters of f-beezy's. this isn't healthy (physically or emotionally) and there were many times where i tried to get back on track, but my hormones and emotions just wouldn't let me do it.

i'm broken.

i don't know what to do or where to start. i was raped at 16. i have been in a "relationship" where i was hit. i have been rejected many times and had age and distance as an excuse. pathetic, right? and recently, i had a "relationship" with someone who was a best friend to me who just decided to choose someone else who doesn't know him over someone who knew him too well.. or maybe i just thought i did.

i'm hurt.

what do i do with all these confused emotions in me? is this just a phase or has my experiences really shattered my inner being? i lay in bed at night fighting with myself to just hopefully sleep peacefully holding back the urge to cry. i think back and replay every scene involving a guy and say to myself, "what the fuck went wrong?" what did i say or not say? what did i do that pushed them away and left me alone? am i ever gonna find someone who thinks i'm worth sticking around? or maybe this is my destiny. we'll just never know.

i'll just never know..