goodbye, 2008! hello, new year!

as 2008 comes to an end, i thought i might reflect on some of the things that have happened. i look at the past year and so much has changed. from the people i talk to on a day to day basis to the person i am today. i am so different from the person i was just a year ago. it's weird how things can change so fast.. and how people can change so fast.

last january, i was with someone. i saw myself being with him for a long time just because of the history we had and the connection (i felt) we had. i was in love and i won't deny it. it's hard to say how long we were together for because it was a little complicated and it wasn't really official, but we both kinda knew we were together. he was pretty much the highlight of my year and he was my summer of 2007. i thought it would've been the same for the summer of 2008, but we had a BIG and BAD falling out. things just weren't the same and it broke me. he probably really had no idea because i always walk around with this facade that i'm okay, but that's just not the case. what happened is something that i'll learn from. i moved on and let it go. i'm cool with everything now. though i wish i could even call him a friend now because he was a really close friend to me for several years, but i can't. a friend is someone i can trust and that was broken. sometimes i still look back and think of what could have been and i sometimes even hope maybe he'd just call and REALLY apologize and mean it, but i try to just stop myself cuz it's not worth anything. just a year ago, he was a big part of my life and now, he has nothing to do with my life.

things happen for a reason. i'll see where this leads me and what the new year has to bring me. besides that, i have had the time of my life. i always love to meet new people and i've met so many. i lost some people in my life and i gained even better. i haven't been too proud of some of the things i have done in the past couple of months and i'm trying to change that. i failed a class i took over the summer (bummer!) and i've had several relations that i shouldn't be having. i'm gonna start this new year with a fresh clean slate. i'm gonna start out on the right foot. i wanna become a new person that i'm proud of. breaking my bad habits. and who knows? maybe i'll find a new love..

maybe i'm headed in the wrong direction..

scratch that, i AM headed in the wrong direction. i guess this whole f-beezy business started off as just simple [pause] frustration towards relationships/love/hate/whatever! it's been 6 months since i walked down this wrong path and i've had numerous encounters of f-beezy's. this isn't healthy (physically or emotionally) and there were many times where i tried to get back on track, but my hormones and emotions just wouldn't let me do it.

i'm broken.

i don't know what to do or where to start. i was raped at 16. i have been in a "relationship" where i was hit. i have been rejected many times and had age and distance as an excuse. pathetic, right? and recently, i had a "relationship" with someone who was a best friend to me who just decided to choose someone else who doesn't know him over someone who knew him too well.. or maybe i just thought i did.

i'm hurt.

what do i do with all these confused emotions in me? is this just a phase or has my experiences really shattered my inner being? i lay in bed at night fighting with myself to just hopefully sleep peacefully holding back the urge to cry. i think back and replay every scene involving a guy and say to myself, "what the fuck went wrong?" what did i say or not say? what did i do that pushed them away and left me alone? am i ever gonna find someone who thinks i'm worth sticking around? or maybe this is my destiny. we'll just never know.

i'll just never know..

i have rules to this game.

i stopped doing relationships. they are so over rated and such a waste of my damn time. guys are only good for butt. that's all i need right now anyway especially under stressful times. if you're lucky, he's good. if not, sucks for you. i was unlucky with the second. dumb bitch couldn't even find the damn hole. what a waste of a night. i'll take applications. i'm not ashamed to let people know about my status. i like sex. point blank. if you think i'm a slut, then so be it. i simply don't care. it's my body and i'll do what i want to satisfy my needs. after all, a girl needs pleasure and i'll fulfill it when and how i want.

there are simple rules to my game. no attachments. no commitments. no hard feelings. easy as that! i don't talk to your other head. i will have no party juice anywhere near me. your lips will not touch mine. and most importantly, wrap up! i can't handle a little one clinging to my side right now, especially if it's with an f-beezy (f-beezy = fuck buddy). i schedule my appointments around MY time, not yours. if you want it, you'll find a way to work around my clock. this is strictly business. you feel me?