my life is wreckless..

i don't know how to bring it up.. i don't want to do nursing. i know when i dropped it this semester, i have one more chance to take it. but i truly believe that my heart isn't in it anymore. it's not what i picture myself as. at the time when i dropped it in march, my dad had asked me if i still wanted to do it. i said yes, partly because i did and partly because i didn't want to disappoint him. then there was another part of me that was just pushing myself to keep going because i had already made it halfway. i don't know which direction to take.

i was talking to a friend last week and we both dropped fundamentals this semester together. we both aren't driven to go all the way through with it. we both had other options in mind. we talked about cosmetology, fashion.. etc. it's something i'm more interested in. i've always been interested in hair. i want to know more about how to do it. i want to one day just open up my own salon. that's my dream..

i just don't know how my parents are gonna take it. i don't know how to tell them. i don't know when to tell them. i know i should tell them soon. why do i feel like this is the hardest decision i've ever made?!

happy mother's day!

happy mother's day to all the woman who brought up crazy kids like me. lol. shoutout to my mama and lola. i love you <3

so yesterday was joe & steffi's wedding. it made me cry. they're the first of the bunch to get married. the father/daughter dance really got to me, esp cuz it was to "butterfly kisses." the infamous father/daughter song. i can only imagine how me and my dad will be on my big day. if ever. sometimes i don't believe that it will ever happen for me. how does someone really want to stay with me for the rest of his lifetime? that's crazy. i'm difficult to be with. i'm complicated. but i wish atleast someone would put up with my shit. i've been good with keepin my promise for this year. i was reckless last semester and thank god i'm over that. but i'm so over looking for mr. right and being with mr. BEYOND wrong for the millionth time.

these past few months with him have been difficult. we both basically decided to hide our status from everyone because we thought it would've been better for us, so no one would judge us. not that they had a reason to, but it's what we decided. i fell for him hard and fast. i rushed in it too fast. i guess cuz i took my last relationship real nice and slow and that obviously didn't work, maybe speeding up the process would? i don't know. i am so stupid. he, just like every other guy, played me out. fucked me over. the only reason why he wanted to keep it on the low was cuz i was "the other girl." i played that part once again. WHAT THE FUCK?! you are an asshole, son. fuck you. i am seriously done with looking and playing man hunt. but it's not fair. and i know life isn't fair, but why am i always the one just looking through the window at everyone else so happy with someone else? i see all my family and friends with someone they've been with for years, and my relationships never exceed past a few months. it's bullshit, but whatever. i'm just jealous.

summer's almost here. 2 more finals to go and i'm done. i'm done with everything..